One of the hardest part of a cancer diagnosis is the physical change in a person. For the most part, I’ve been emotionally ready for each physical difference a treatment or surgery has made to my appearance.
Last November, on the eve of my first chemotherapy treatment, I was fully aware that my hair would fall out within the next two weeks. I had on standby a bunch of hats I had knitted myself and a few head scarves that I had purchased. When the hair began to come out, I took the bull by the horns and shaved the rest of my hair off myself. As it turned out, the scarves looked pretty good on my very round head and my wooly hats came in handy on cold winter nights. I didn’t mind my bald self all that much and had fun with different colored scarves and coordinating make-up. So many people came up to me and would say “you don’t look sick at all.”
Now though I’ve gone through a different transformation. Last week I had surgery to remove all my breast tissue, both sides. Tissue expanders were implanted and will be slowly expanded over the next few weeks to form hopefully a small C cup breast. In the meantime, I’ve gone from a full C to almost nothing. And since I’ve always carried a bit of extra weight in my middle, I’m totally off balance. Add to the fact that my hair is growing back in what looks like a GRAY color and you have the perfect chemistry for bad body image 101.
I’ve literally gone from a curvy, full breasted, long curly haired women to someone I now don’t recognize. I’m looking for that boost I need to bring me back to feeling good about myself again. I may have found it.
While at the doctor’s office yesterday, my father started a conversation with one of the patients in the waiting room. She is a cancer survivor like myself, having been through the same treatments and surgeries as I have and is now ready for the second reconstruction surgery where the tissue expanders are replaced with breast implants. She then blurted out “I can’t wait for the tummy tuck ” and that’s when I found out that for an extra out of pocket fee, the plastic surgeon can perform a tummy tuck during the implant surgery.
All of a sudden I had images of myself, full breasted, flat tummy, chic new silver euro-hairstyle with a stylish wardrobe, all of which I can wear without a bra. My self image went from blah to smokin’ in a matter of seconds.
Next week, during my first expansion session, I will be meeting with my plastic surgeon to check on my post surgical body. I plan to inquire about the tummy tuck. Since I won’t have the second surgery until sometime mid-summer, I’ve got plenty of time to think about whether a tummy tuck is worth the money. Then again, with the worst year of my entire life almost behind me, maybe I owe it to myself to do something that will make me feel like a total woman again.
Cross posted at Mothers with Cancer
My hair came in white too. I think it is pretty common for that to happen! Keep smilin, In a couple weeks after they fill those expanders you will feel a little less off balance!
You go for it!
And you know how guys think….why stop at “C”?
; )
Stephanie, I’m glad you found something to look forward to right now. I think gray is a wonderful color, but you can also color your hair with some great natural products if you desire.
Your courage is inspiring.
Hugs,
Katie
That’s a great idea! I can see how all those changes would effect you, and I think a little tummy tuck would make a nice gift to yourself.
When I first started reading your post, my heart was just breaking for you. I know that the weight I’ve gained from fertility treatments has done a number on my body image these days. So I could just imagine how much more challenging all you’ve been through must be.
But, you ended on such a positive note that I’m now so excited for you! I am not an advocate for cosmetic surgery in general (women do too much these days), but if you’re having reconstructive surgery anyway, why not do the tummy tuck? I think that’s a grand idea. You might be feeling better about yourself than ever before later this year!!!
I was able to have the chest expanders placed in me after my double masectomy. I did not need chemo. or radiation, I was diagnosed with DCIS a stage 0 cancer in the left breast. The chest expanders felt like I had a life vest on me all of the time, they were pretty tight, annoying. When I was finally through with the process and then had the final surgery to have the expanders replaced with the implants, ah…I felt much better. Your body will adapt, I found that the body can adapt to changes, I guess that is the best way to put it. My implants are apart of me now, I am used to them. I would rather have my own breasts, but that was not an option. I remember the first time after my masectomies that I saw myself in the bathroom mirror, yikes, I looked like I was in the 3rd grade again. I laughed and reminded myself that I was very blessed, that the loss of 2 breasts was minimal in comparison to my life.
Thinking of you often!
Stephanie – I can’t understand your pain because I don’t have or haven’t had breast cancer but I can understand the body image issue as most women can. Somehow you always put things in perspective. We should all just be thankful for what we have…the good and the bad.
If a tummy tuck makes you happy after everything you’ve been through…GO FOR IT!!!
Take Care – Julie
Go for it! It is much easier than having breast tissue removed, so why not!
I am so glad you are starting to feel better about YOU!
You always seem to have a way of ending your posts on a positive note
I’m so glad you have something to look forward to in the coming months!
Yes!
How awesome to have something to look forward to after all you’ve been through. Go for it.
You are my hero, woman! (and I don’t say that lightly) I am amazed by your attitude and while I am sure you have taken the time you need to feel anger/sadness/shock over your diagnosis and subsequent treatments, your outlook… always looking ahead and for the silver lining… it’s awesome.
xx,
K.
How are you doing? Would love to hear an update!